My eyes flutter open. This is the fourth time in the course of the past 2 hours. You see, today is the day we hike to Angel's Landing in Zion's National Park. Grabbing Brittney's phone, as mine is charging upstairs, I realize this time I've woken up seven minutes late at the time of 5:37 a.m. The alarm didn't go off, just like I'd felt it wouldn't and with a sense of responsibility, I began to awake all of my siblings, starting the ready-ing process.
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Now I'm on the shuttle being borne away to the base of my fear. I really am excited to hike Angel's Landing. I'm sure the pictures I'll have the opportunity to capture will be awesome, and I really want to be able to say that I've done it, especially in the light of my absolute fear of heights. Unfortunately I've fallen sick, and the pain begins to dampen my resolve. The faster the shuttle whisks me towards the site the faster I lose my stomach. The queasy-ness begins. My insides are experiencing quite a debilitating tension. Every time I'm hit with a new set my mind falters. "Okay deep breaths, don't make it look worse than it is. Worse than it is? You've got to be kidding! Just try not to think about it Natalie." My internal dialogue strengthens as it gets worse. I've gotten very good at masking this timely and inescapable pain but I usually have the blessed relief of very very strong pain relief pills. Today I have none, I'm about to begin a strenuous hike, an emotional journey that will test my muscles, my mental resolve, and my psychological fear. I fear I don't have enough water but decide to let a good attitude prevail. After all I'm here to take pictures, be with family, and prove to myself that I can do it! With that I step off the bus.
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I'm looking at chains. A little string of chain link that follows the edge of a cliff and they expect me to climb that! Joking! Must be! I'll die! As of now I've climbed paved uphill trails and red rock switchbacks and it's been relatively easy taking out the fact that we're at an elevation of almost 5,000 feet, and it's been uphill. So far Kristen has been my buddy and we've had a blast taking pictures and walking with our walking sticks and talking. It's been great! But now I look with mounting fear at the summit I'm expected to climb. The tension is thick. My Uncle Shawn has in large part been in charge of the group and we are all aware of the danger of the hike, especially if kids goof off. I can tell the tension is wearing on him. It's definitely no comfort that Kristen and I are both scared of heights. So with resolved determination, I decide to not burden Shawn more. "I'll be fine," I tell myself. "No big deal."
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The climb has begun. We've been going for quite a while now. There are many people and it makes me increasingly nervous every time we have to maneuver around someone. I'm sticky with sweat and sunscreen and I notice that each time I grab the chain my hands seem to show the symptoms of instant clamminess. Perhaps it's an epidemic. Bad jokes don't seem to be helping my psyche. Good thing I have Kristen. She understands my fear and keeps me talking. Slowly I fall into the monotony of taking one step at a time. Forever looking at the rock below me, occasionally taking a look to the side and looking down in time to ease the pit in my stomach. Awe-inspiring? Yes. Sickeningly high? Yes. Amazing pictures? Yes. Scared out of my mind? Yes. But I am doing it! By golly I am doing it!
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At this point I've run into the first counselor of my BYU bishopric. I've listened to the past 30 minutes to a scout troop climbing behind me. Honestly they seem as scared as me. Well that's comforting. ;) And I finally made it to the top! Water depleted, muscles shaking from swallowed tension and beautiful pictures taken, oh and Shawn's bag of jerky sadly depleted as well, but regardless I've made it to the top. Freaky pictures on top of frightening rock. Check! Suddenly I take in the surrounding landscape and feel wonderful. I feel empowered. I feel alive. To think that I almost let a small, or perhaps large, psychological fear hinder this experience! For fears shall flee at the Angel's Landing. For fears shall flee. But all too soon we begin to leave. And now we go back down. The fear returns and I hear myself mutter a very sarcastic "Great!"
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Soon enough I'm down and begin the lengthy descent. My nerves are definitely shot and muscles sore but I'm fine and alive. No death! The hike down is a little hard for me. I almost ripped my ACL last March and I can feel the strain on my knee. Tanner decides to walk with me and I can only say thank you I'm so touched by his thoughtfulness.
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I just finished driving home. It was terrible! Everyone fell asleep and I myself was feeling completely drained, utterly exhausted, and was dozing at the wheel. How ironic to die by falling asleep at the wheel after having hiked Angel's Landing where I was sure I'd fall to my death every moment. I chuckled to myself at that thought and kept forcing my eyes open. We didn't die, I'd made it home in one peace, and I collapsed exhausted. Was it worth it? Are you kidding me! Then with a passing thought, I admit "...well I guess it was." After all, anything is worth feeling fear flee for even a short moment. And if my fears flee on Angel's Landing, then I'll go again.
-Natalie Cherie
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