Home Away from Home at Last

I am finally back in BYU! It feels like a dream almost like I'd never left. Yet while nothing seems to have changed, or at least it looks the same, I feel as though the life I knew only four months ago is gone forever. All shall continue though, for while I grasp at a feeling of displacement and suffer from a strange daze, I continue to find small tokens or happenings of the life I knew before. The most defined would most certainly fall to Spencer. To talk, to laugh, to cook, and love. None of that has changed, though the depth and maturity have perhaps grown due to the four months of letter writing that has now come to a close. Next I find that campus is almost entirely the same. This time is more comforting of course, as I'm not now walking with wide eyes and a bewildered mind wondering how I shall ever learn the vast campus I now know. To make my return even better was the opportunity to run into old friends. In the bookstore I came across Carl. He was a distance runner under my father (the coach of the distance team) and I got to know him through Anatomy and Physiology my Senior Year of High School. It's amazing how time passes. And while I was sitting on a bench by the HFAC (Harris Fine Arts Center) Alex, a fellow folk dancer, bounded up all aglow just like he always is. Then I hear the bells toll as I take a familiar walk to the Moore House. Tomorrow morning Paige arrives. This means I won't have to sleep in an empty apartment for a third night. Tomorrow night is the kick-off to our Folk Dance Auditions, which means that perhaps my nerves will finally die away. This Friday Annica arrives and Ruby will soon follow. Classes begin soon and my daze seems to have returned.

One can only hope that the daze will wear off but after clinging to the past I find it almost awkward to transition to the future. Much like trying to fold one's arms a certain way, opposite of what is most natural or comfortable, or like trying to write left handed for a right-handed person. Yes, I think I am most grateful we are given a present for I think I shall focus on that. 

For now, I find myself lying on the Moores's couch, typing the thoughts that come to me as my computer is quickly depleted of its power. I have forgotten my power cord, and with a 30-minute walk back to my place I think I had better just do without it. Especially when taking into account the fact that my leather boots have rubbed a little spot on each ankle to a rawness that I'm currently attempting to ignore. Spencer taught me to pick a lock today and I have acquired all my books. Merritt will be here in the next hour or two, and I wonder what I'll have for dinner . . . Perhaps more of Spencer's pasta. Either way, it's good to be back, in this home away from home which seems to have supplanted my first home in a way I didn't think possible. Here it's always changing, in Twin Falls with my family life seems to stand still. Here I'm always progressing, in Twin Falls the monotony lends to near madness. Here I have a place, a purpose, and a passion. To Twin Falls I may always return to the ones I love, but the other is non-existent. So yes, even with the dazed feeling I still feel that it is good to be home at last.

-Natalie Cherie

For Fears Shall Flee at the Angel's Landing

My eyes flutter open. This is the fourth time in the course of the past 2 hours. You see, today is the day we hike to Angel's Landing in Zion's National Park. Grabbing Brittney's phone, as mine is charging upstairs, I realize this time I've woken up seven minutes late at the time of 5:37 a.m. The alarm didn't go off, just like I'd felt it wouldn't and with a sense of responsibility, I began to awake all of my siblings, starting the ready-ing process.

~

Soon I find myself driving on roads I've never driven with slight direction from a GPS that speaks too slow. The sun begins to break across the red rock skyline and the pressure of this day becomes more palpable. Why must I feel so burdened by responsibility? Mom hasn't come with us, instead opting to take care of Jason so I'm in charge of the group. I suppose McKenzie is older but I was asked, so there I sat watching the dawn break from the driver's seat.

 ~

 Now I'm on the shuttle being borne away to the base of my fear. I really am excited to hike Angel's Landing. I'm sure the pictures I'll have the opportunity to capture will be awesome, and I really want to be able to say that I've done it, especially in the light of my absolute fear of heights. Unfortunately I've fallen sick, and the pain begins to dampen my resolve. The faster the shuttle whisks me towards the site the faster I lose my stomach. The queasy-ness begins. My insides are experiencing quite a debilitating tension. Every time I'm hit with a new set my mind falters. "Okay deep breaths, don't make it look worse than it is. Worse than it is? You've got to be kidding! Just try not to think about it Natalie." My internal dialogue strengthens as it gets worse. I've gotten very good at  masking this timely and inescapable pain but I usually have the blessed relief of very very strong pain relief pills. Today I have none, I'm about to begin a strenuous hike, an emotional journey that will test my muscles, my mental resolve, and my psychological fear. I fear I don't have enough water but decide to let a good attitude prevail. After all I'm here to take pictures, be with family, and prove to myself that I can do it! With that I step off the bus. 

~

I'm looking at chains. A little string of chain link that follows the edge of a cliff and they expect me to climb that! Joking! Must be! I'll die! As of now I've climbed paved uphill trails and red rock switchbacks and it's been relatively easy taking out the fact that we're at an elevation of almost 5,000 feet, and it's been uphill. So far Kristen has been my buddy and we've had a blast taking pictures and walking with our walking sticks and talking. It's been great! But now I look with mounting fear at the summit I'm expected to climb. The tension is thick. My Uncle Shawn has in large part been in charge of the group and we are all aware of the danger of the hike, especially if kids goof off. I can tell the tension is wearing on him. It's definitely no comfort that Kristen and I are both scared of heights. So with resolved determination, I decide to not burden Shawn more. "I'll be fine," I tell myself. "No big deal."

~

The climb has begun. We've been going for quite a while now. There are many people and it makes me increasingly nervous every time we have to maneuver around someone. I'm sticky with sweat and sunscreen and I notice that each time I grab the chain my hands seem to show the symptoms of instant clamminess. Perhaps it's an epidemic. Bad jokes don't seem to be helping my psyche. Good thing I have Kristen. She understands my fear and keeps me talking. Slowly I fall into the monotony of taking one step at a time. Forever looking at the rock below me, occasionally taking a look to the side and looking down in time to ease the pit in my stomach. Awe-inspiring? Yes. Sickeningly high? Yes. Amazing pictures? Yes. Scared out of my mind? Yes. But I am doing it! By golly I am doing it!

~

At this point I've run into the first counselor of my BYU bishopric. I've listened to the past 30 minutes to a scout troop climbing behind me. Honestly they seem as scared as me. Well that's comforting. ;) And I finally made it to the top! Water depleted, muscles shaking from swallowed tension and beautiful pictures taken, oh and Shawn's bag of jerky sadly depleted as well, but regardless I've made it to the top. Freaky pictures on top of frightening rock. Check! Suddenly I take in the surrounding landscape and feel wonderful. I feel empowered. I feel alive. To think that I almost let a small, or perhaps large, psychological fear hinder this experience! For fears shall flee at the Angel's Landing. For fears shall flee. But all too soon we begin to leave. And now we go back down. The fear returns and I hear myself mutter a very sarcastic "Great!"

~

Soon enough I'm down and begin the lengthy descent. My nerves are definitely shot and muscles sore but I'm fine and alive. No death! The hike down is a little hard for me. I almost ripped my ACL last March and I can feel the strain on my knee. Tanner decides to walk with me and I can only say thank you I'm so touched by his thoughtfulness. 

~

I just finished driving home. It was terrible! Everyone fell asleep and I myself was feeling completely drained, utterly exhausted, and was dozing at the wheel. How ironic to die by falling asleep at the wheel after having hiked Angel's Landing where I was sure I'd fall to my death every moment. I chuckled to myself at that thought and kept forcing my eyes open. We didn't die, I'd made it home in one peace, and I collapsed exhausted. Was it worth it? Are you kidding me! Then with a passing thought, I admit "...well I guess it was." After all, anything is worth feeling fear flee for even a short moment. And if my fears flee on Angel's Landing, then I'll go again.

-Natalie Cherie

Becoming a Cougar...No Big Deal :)

Hey, so today I finished a video of my freshman year of college. Needless to say it was epic! So here it is for you all to enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLTAyuCWabQ&feature=plcp

And now I continue my endeavor to scrapbook over 300 photos! And in nine days I'm back! Back to school, folk dancing, my wonderful roommates, and my love, Spencer! Can't wait can't wait can't wait! I take it back, whether you are becoming a Cougar for the first time or returning like I am, let me assure you it's always a big deal. :)

-Natalie Cherie

Auld Lang Syne

For starters, though I'm sure we've all heard it, I think we should all take a moment to listen to this song again . . .

It's an old Scottish poem by Robert Burns and literally translates to Old Long Since. I like to think of it as long ago. Anyway, I was listening to the song on my drive home and it inspired this poem. I wrote two separate poems which you can read right side or left side but if you read it like a book, left to right, the two poems intertwine . . .

The day is long.                                                                                             I wait to meet.

The night is short.                                                                  For all is there.

The time draws nigh.                                    My future wrought.

The phase of fear.                 Oh, will we fair?

Auld Lang Syne I loved you then. Auld Lang Syne shall never end.

The sun still shines.               I will endure.

The tides still roll.                                           Till waiting ends.

The seasons change.                                                           It’s all of worth.

The growth of love.                                                                                        And all will mend.

Auld Lang Syne I love you then. Auld Lang Syne shall never end.

While it's true that this is traditionally a New Year's Eve song, I'd like to put it into a different context. When life moves on, times change, and the sand of the hourglass runs thin we can all look back to the memory of Auld Lang Syne and find the strength to wait, the courage to move forward, the hope that our future will be brighter. 

-Natalie Cherie

Mountain Memories: An Emerald Green Dragon of Oil Paint

So today I began my day by singing about Emerald Green Dragons and oil paints. Why? Because my older sister McKenzie was threatening to not finish her oil paint series of the Inheritance Cycles' dragons...at least before I went back to BYU. This was, of course, an awful thought, so...I sang to her. Meanwhile, we were trying to leave town while our car was refusing to start. But eventually, we were able to go and spent a wonderful day down at the 7 Peaks water park in Salt Lake City. Then the next day, after a long night of being lost and dodging deer on the road up, we explored the Uinta Mountains at our extended family's cabin, "Christmas Meadows."

So I got to thinking that the mountains are like an Emerald Green Dragon of Oil Paint. It sounds really cliche since I had just sung about it, in an entirely different context this morning, but it's true. The Mountains have a stunning beauty, yet the fierceness of a Dragon. One moment it can be as idealistic as an oil painting by Thomas Kinkade, and the next change into a dangerous and terrifying Emerald Green Dragon. Yet, I suppose that therein lies the true beauty. Making mountain memories in all it's sweet perfection and unexpected ferocity. Just being alive together. And enjoying our Emerald Green Dragon, a creation of oil paint. 

-Natalie Cherie