Chapter Two: In which I recount opening my first acceptance letter and how I decided to accept Harvard Divinity

I was accepted to Harvard . . . so now what? Well, for starters, I needed to decide if I was going to go. You already know that I'm going but here's how I decided anyway. The first letter I got back was from Claremont School of Theology. It came a week earlier than expected so when I pulled it out of the mail on a rainy day, I was shocked and suddenly nearly nauseated with nerves. I ran to the car where Spencer was waiting for me so we could go to the grocery store.

"It's here, Spencer! My first letter is here!"
"Which school?"
"Claremont School of Theology."
"Well then, open it."
"Okay." I go to open it. "No, I can't."
"You're going to have to sometime." At this point, Spencer is pulling out of the driveway.
"Okay." So I open it.
"What does it say?"
"I don't know, I can't look." I take some deep breaths and slowly inch out the letter. I see the corner of a word: Cong. *Scream.
"Holy Crap, Natalie!" Spencer yells, nearly slamming on the breaks. He neatly recovered—he's a pro.
"I got in! I did it! I got into graduate school!"

He started laughing. I started laughing. I was so relieved. I was mostly excited that I'd gotten into graduate school. I'd only applied to four schools. (I mean, it was an improvement from my undergrad application. I'd taken a BYU-or-bust approach and had only applied to BYU-Provo. I didn't really think through the fact that if I hadn't gotten in, I wouldn't have gone to school for another semester.) So from one application for undergraduate school to four for graduate school, I thought I was being quite cautious.

Note: Applying to graduate school is flipping expensive—another motivation for only applying to four schools.

Anyway, so I applied to Claremont Graduate University, Claremont School of Theology, Oxford University, and Harvard Divinity School. My logic was that the Claremont Schools were less competitive than the ivy leagues so I would use those as my backup. I would apply to both since the university favored masters students in their funding, but I still wanted to try for the theology school. I applied to Harvard Divinity because Spencer had convinced me to not close my own doors. Harvard was my ideal school; it had everything I wanted from focuses on literature and religion to women's studies. I honestly didn't think I could get in. And Oxford was the dream school. I mostly wanted to attend Oxford for my Ph.D., but I figured I'd try since I was trying for Harvard.

So when I opened my acceptance to Claremont School of Theology, I was filled with relief. I had made it into one school, a perfectly good school, albeit my backup school. I was going to be a graduate student come what may from the other letters. But beyond that relief I didn't feel much.

Time passed. I received a preliminary letter from Oxford telling me that I was still in the running, but that I wouldn't be receiving any scholarships. (It was another two months before I received my actual acceptance letter. But hey, I was accepted, so my Ph.D. dreams at Oxford are alive and well.) I was accepted to Claremont University. And then the letter from Harvard came. That same nervous nauseous feeling from the first time blossomed in my stomach. I could barely breathe. I inched the letter out and saw the beginnings of a word: Cong. How I love that word fragment! I started to cry. Spencer, sitting on the other couch, beamed at me. "You did it, Natalie. You did it."

I can't really explain the feeling. With the Claremont schools, I'd felt relief. With Oxford, a sense of pride and future potential. But Harvard . . . with Harvard I felt peace, a sense of rightness and disbelief, gratitude and excitement. I had been accepted by Harvard. But would I accept them? I was nervous to make a decision too soon. I thought a long deliberation was in order. But I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was supposed to go. I was agitated all day. I kept telling Spencer, "I think Harvard is it. But I haven't even prayed about it. How will we afford it? Am I just letting my excitement get the better of me?"

I finally asked Spencer for a blessing that evening. It was definitely one of the most direct blessings I've ever received. In it, I received a lot of instruction on how to prepare, a lot of reassurance regarding finances and moving, and a very firm confirmation that Harvard was the right school. It's a funny thing because I already knew that Harvard was the right school. I'd felt peaceful upon being accepted and agitated when I thought of not accepting them all day long. So why had I required such a direct answer from God? Did I need an irrefutable answer when the questions came about my logic in going to do something "extra" that I couldn't even afford? Did I just not trust my own ability to feel the spirit? Was I embarrassed that I'd received an answer so quickly without the due deliberation I felt was necessary for such a monumental decision? I think each answer holds some truth for me. But even so, I had been given a beautiful blessing, and I'm grateful for it.

Harvard Divinity was right; the decision had been made. It was going to be like jumping into a "swift stream." So let the preparations begin!